


The Taste of Guilt

by TooYoungToFeelThisTired



Series: What if? [47]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fiveya Week 2020, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, No incest if you understand Fiveya, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 02, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya's POV, fiveya - Freeform, mentions of Vanya/Leonard, mentions of Vanya/Sissy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27397708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooYoungToFeelThisTired/pseuds/TooYoungToFeelThisTired
Summary: Before, back when everything was controlled by the dosage of her pills, Vanya would never imagine emotions or feelings could have a taste. Prompt: Guilt - 5.11.2020
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: What if? [47]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1313192
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51
Collections: fiveya week (round 2)





	The Taste of Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anything
> 
> Fiveya week 2020 Day 5: Guilt

Before, back when everything was controlled by the dosage of her pills, Vanya would never imagine emotions or feelings could have a _taste_. She wasn't completely free of them. The pills didn't magically block them out. They more or less lowered their impact to a point they began bearable. It was as if she was eating microwave food with no real taste. She knew she was eating it, chewing and swallowing some substance, but the taste was always dull not necessarily unpleasant, but not really anything to give away what she was actually eating in the first place.

When Leonard came along taking away her pills, it was overwhelming, to say the least. Everything suddenly had a taste mostly the feelings of her _affection_ , her _love_ for the man reminding her of strawberries or caramel something so profound it tuned out all the other tastes completely for a while. However, it couldn't last like that, and soon, other tastes broke free along with the feelings and emotions she was pushing inside all these years with extra pills.

_Anger_ and _hate_ reminded her of something metallic like in the back of her tongue when she furiously played the song to end all life in the theater. It was so intense and disgusting upsetting her even more and causing her to play harder just to release the feelings and the taste connected to it.

However, later when she caught the familiar taste in the back of her tongue while confronted with Five on the crossroad, it served as a reminder to stop, to calm down, to control herself rather than lose to her anger and hurt him even if at the times, she only knew of the strength and destruction of her powers through her siblings' words than her own memories. In a way, it was easier then.

_Love_ and _affection_ sometimes tasted fresh rain, cold yet not freezing, dropping down after a sunny warm day to cool the air. Welcoming and soft in a way just like how kissing Sissy, the woman she grew to care for and love when she had no one else made her feel.

_Sorrow_ was like a heavy last piece of a meal she couldn't properly swallow keeping somewhere between the walls of her throat reminding her of the smell of old books maybe because she only felt it whenever she thought about Ben and her involvement in him being once and for all _gone_.

_Shame_ could taste like rain as well but a quick sharp one that fell down mercilessly with the addition of acid-like favor courtesy of global warming and what the memories of her affection for Leonard made her feel like lately.

_Guilt_ …

_Guilt_ tasted like every single breath inside her lungs was being vacuumed out leaving her with the taste of hundreds of razor blades cutting into her throat, mouth, and chest while she couldn't even scream for help desperate to let at least some air in. At least that was how her _guilt_ tasted like.

_Guilt_ was the worse.

* * *

Vanya woke up with a start gasping for air, she couldn't seem to properly get into her lungs. It was always the same. It had been for a couple of months now. She woke up with the agonic feeling of suffocating incapable of catching her breath tossing on her small bed begging silently for someone to save her.

She tried to reach for the night lamp sitting on the nightstand. Sometimes light helped to hurt her eyes causing a momentary shock into her system enough to jumpstart her breathing. Other times she didn't have enough time or the whole act turned out to be useless.

While choking on the air she couldn't accept into her nose and mouth or so it felt inside her mind and body, she accidentally knocked the lamp over causing it to fall down and break. The noise seemed incredibly loud in the silence of the night even with her panic filling most of her senses.

It started to escalate. The pain, the feeling of suffocation, the panic.

_Was the room shaking?_

_Was she doing that?_

It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last. All Vanya could do was to let herself get swallow by it whole and hope for it to pass like it had every night she woke up into this twisted hysteria.

However, this time, there was a familiar sound of rapture in space before a pair of hands were on her shoulders urging her to turn and look at his familiar face. His voice sounded distant like he spoke from afar when in fact he was right in front of her. His eyes so green they glowed in the darkroom.

She couldn't hear what he was saying the blood in her ears too loud, but she could make out some words from reading his lips.

_…Vanya…_

_…wrong…_

_…talk…_

She shook her head still gasping for air. This was no use. There was something over her chest. Crushing it. There was something crushing her chest and sucking all the air out of her lungs while cutting her with tiny razor blades and everything inside her _burned_ from the excruciating pain.

Then before she knew it, she felt the cold air hit her face and the feeling of nausea enter her stomach in a way it did only once before when they traveled to this timeline.

'F-five,' she let out realizing she could breathe again, the night air entering her lungs causing them to burn in a completely different way as they stood somewhere outside the rented house Allison rumored for them a week ago. Another location they would have to change soon while they were in hiding.

'It's alright, just breathe. Deep breaths, Vanya,' he spoke, and this time she could hear him.

Her nod was still weak, and she felt her legs planned to give up on her any moment, but as if Five could feel it as well he carefully set her down with him on the cold ground definitely not suitable to be sat on this time of the year.

She took in as many deep breaths as she could following his instructions and calming herself down memories and reality entering her mind and helping her understand where they were and what were they doing.

_2019 an alternate timeline where they had never been born where they were haunted by the Sparrow Academy_

'You good?' he asked his hands steady on her shoulder and back making her feel _better_ than it should have. She didn't deserve his care or comfort. She knew that.

She found herself nodding again and allowed her head to fall on his shoulder too tired to care or try to hold it up, too exhausted to try to be stronger for his benefit. She carried the taste of guilt inside her mouth for months what was another drop to the pile?

' _Better_.'

She felt like he might have nodded, but didn't say anything for a while just pulling her closer more against his chest shielding her from the cold and whatever else she needed. Always the hero. Always her hero. Always trying to make things right for her.

More guilt to add to her pile so she could choke on it later.

'Nightmare?' he asked his voice uncharacteristically soft.

'Yeah,' she said. It had been months since they arrived here in the right year but the wrong timeline with the Sparrow Academy ordered to hunt them down and their past lives erased.

At first, there was too much to do. They were on the run. They were hiding. They were enduring their survival in any way they could.

Everything was alright. During the day she could fall into work around the house they currently lived in, training of her powers, her siblings, and whatever the hell to busy herself and somehow get through the day without drifting to involuntarily thoughts.

However, at night, alone, in the bed that wasn't even hers, it was as if all the horrors of her life that left her at peace during the day decided to come out and torture her with doubts and thoughts that wouldn't survive during the optimistic and always hopeful daylight.

She wished she could take another pill recalling Leonard and Allison and the events that happened between. He was the first person she opened up to. The first person she thought she had a connection in so _damn_ long. She should have known it was too damn good to be true.

Living in Dallas with Sissy and Harlan wasn't real. It was a beautiful dream she had to wake up from and face the reality of what she did and what happened. Now after some time away she realized she could never be happy with her and that made all the memories of their kisses different not as nice as freshly cut grass.

The razor blades in her throat were starting to taste rotten the more she tried to stay away leaving her to skip meals losing the weight she managed to gain while working on the farm. Yes, the farm, where life was like an apple pie nice and warm guilt-free. A life she didn't deserve not after what she had done.

' _Are you alright?_ ' asked Diego when her shaky hand spilled some of the coffee the previous morning, ' _Just tired. Didn't get much sleep._ '

When she turned around from the counter Five made it clear what he thought about her lousy lie.

She looked away rather than face his judgment or worse concern.

At night her dreams were filled with chaotic images of everything that happened, everything she could have avoided thanks to the comfort blanket of her amnesia. All she had done. All she had caused.

Five let her take the comfort she needed from his embrace keeping her as close as she needed at that moment. It felt strange. His body was still not the right age. How old was it now seventeen? Eighteen? He still looked so young, but his hands could hold her so firmly. However, in her mind he was still the boy he once was, the boy who left her all alone sitting by the dining table, in the house they both hated so much. The boy who never really came back and all because of her.

It was the start of it all, his departure, or not? No, maybe not. Maybe it started when he came back. When he came back from the…from the _future_ …the one she destroyed. The one she ended with a song and her beloved violin. The future she forced him to live for decades all alone without any food or shelter.

The guilt was always there when she was with Allison too knowing she slashed her throat and took away her powers for so long. It was there when she looked at Diego and how she took mom from him. It was there when she looked at Luther and Klaus remembering how she lifted them to the sky above the stage and tried to suck the life out of them. It was present when she thought about Ben and Pogo who she both destroyed with her powers.

It was always present in the back of her mouth right where her throat began with the razor blades cutting her inside flesh with tiny cuts.

_And there were Five._

Being around Five hurt the most. The guilt she felt around him was almost touchable in the atmosphere around them all the time. She knew he could feel it too. She knew he hated it as well. The taste of guilt was worse when he was around, but she kept it to herself.

When he was around and she saw the way he snuck another drink, the way he took small bites of food always checking it with a fork to make sure there were no insects, the way he looked at every exit always prepared to fight, to survive. She knew it was because of her. He ended up in the world she created all alone so desperate to leave he joined an organization that turned him into a killer bathing his hands in blood he could never wash out, he grew old without anyone around and now he was stuck in a body that was slowly aging, and he hated it. She could see how distasteful he looked at his own reflection at times. Another person would have jumped at the opportunity of being young again, but Five was never that vain.

She leaned away from him, out of his arms, his reach. She didn't deserve it. She wasn't supposed to get free passes and comfort from _him_ of all people not when she caused his misery.

'I'm sorry.'

'It's fine,' he said, and she wanted to scream.

_It wasn't fine!_

_'It's not your fault, Vanya. Dad locked you up.'_

_'It's not you. You had a traumatic childhood.'_

_'We pushed you away. We shouldn't have.'_

_'You were upset. Your emotions got the best of you.'_

_'It was an accident.'_

_'It could have been worse.'_

_'Don't worry, you're forgiven.'_

_No, no, no!_

She didn't want forgiveness. She didn't want their excuses and words of support. She didn't want to hear how much it wasn't her fault because it wasn't right that they told her so. It was her fault. It was her powers. Her doing. Her anger. Her hate. Her actions. _All her!_ Provoked or not. Just because they said it was alright, she couldn't wash herself away from the blame.

She couldn't forgive herself and let go of the guilt in her heart. No matter how often she cleaned their houses and how hard she tried during training all she ever felt was the guilt cutting her flesh inside her mouth.

'It was just a nightmare and panic attack,' Five said his voice soft, too soft. It shouldn't be so soft. He shouldn't be soft toward her. Not when…not when she caused him so much pain. Not when she was the reason for his own nightmares.

_She hurt him._

She hurt him more than she ever hurt anyone else. The others burnt. It was quick maybe even painless, but Five…Five's death was slow and agonizing throughout the decades he was forced to survive in the wasteland and all her fault.

_Do you hate me? Can you ever love me again the way you used to?_

Vanya nodded and brushed her bare shoulders the night air now terribly cruel to her skin causing goosebumps to arise as sharp as needles. _Good_. She deserved all she could get.

'Did the room really shake?'

'Yeah, but just a little bit, I think the others are still asleep,' he said and brushed his hair. It was becoming too long. His body was growing quicker now.

She glanced back at him, his clothes were new, more modern, and teenlike so he could blend in better even if he hated it. He still looked so young, but without the uniform, it seemed less unsettling. But at the same time, she found herself missing the uniform. Sometimes despite his actions and words she could _pretend_ he was still that boy and she was still that girl from seventeen years ago and her guilt was just a nightmare she cooked up in her anxious mind.

_Sometimes_.

Vanya tried to listen to the house. Everything seemed quiet. He was right. The others were still all asleep. The closest neighbors were miles away so they didn't have to worry right now.

She turned to Five who was looking at the night sky. His face relaxed, but his green eyes troubled. She knew his mind drifted away. She used to know him so well. Like the palm of her hand. But that was a long time ago. That was before she ruined his life and caused his pain and nightmares.

He reminded her of everything she did. Didn't she hurt him the most? The others might have been killed when she blew up the moon, but Five was the one who had to live through it.

When he looked back down at her, she tried to offer him a small smile, but it didn't feel right.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I hurt you. I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?_

'Do you want to talk about it?' he asked carefully all too familiar with not being good with feelings and expressing them. He was like that ever since he was a kid. But when they were younger Vanya was better at reading him, better than anyone, always able to see through his sharp words and smug looks and proud smirks. She thought it was her superpower. She thought she knew him better than anyone else.

'It's just the things that happened, all of them,' she confessed before she looked over at him again his eyes seemed to glow in the dark with nothing but the stars and the moon lightening up the sky.

Five watched her face carefully before he frowned, 'Dad? Peabody? The F.B.I?'

'And the basement bunker? Yeah all of it,' she nodded and pulled her knees closer to her chest hugging them.

_You._

_Always you._

_You in a wasteland all alone and hungry and thirsty slowly dying_.

_Always you_.

_And it's always my fault._

'It's just remembering things that happened. I guess my blame-free card got revoked,' she said softly. Some of it was true. After they managed to escape from the Sparrows she did feel this huge mountain of pain and anxiety fall down on her as she realized everything that happened, everything she had done, and everything in between. She used to crave her memories so badly when she was on the farm. Just to know she was missed and cared for and that she had people who cared for her, but sometimes she wondered…just how much easier it was not to know anything. Not to feel anything. Just…sometimes she wished she had her pills again to number all of it down.

Five touched her shoulder again. His finger cold and light and present reminding her to come back to reality out of her head. Away from her inner demons.

'You can't do that to yourself. What's done is done,' his voice was confident. She wondered how many times he had to tell himself the same things.

'Is that what you tell yourself?' she asked cruelly before she could stop herself seeing the look on his face made her regret her words.

She lowered her voice and looked away, 'Do you believe it?'

He was quiet for a moment which made her look up knowing she offended him.

His eyes revealing everything, 'What do you think?' he asked her his words echoing into the night.

* * *

Eventually, they went back inside parting in the hallway, their rooms on opposite sides just as it used to be when they were younger. Closer than the rest, yet afar. It used to be different though. He used to sleep next to her. _Sometimes_. If the nightmares or insomnia got the best of them, he would jump into her room and lay down next to her. They would share a pillow and a blanket and each other's warmth. Everything was different when they were kids. It used to be so simple.

It couldn't go on like this. She knew that. She couldn't let herself drown in guilt every day, and sometimes she felt she could almost forgive herself. When she was with the others it was getting better. They could distract her, fill her mind with other things, make her feel like an ordinary (the irony was not lost to her) person again.

She wanted to be free of the guilt. She wanted to be happy again like she was on the farm with Sissy and Harlan, but every time she thought she could let it go, she saw Five. He wasn't happy. His whole life was wrong. He didn't belong in the world they were in now. Neither of them did, but he even less. His body was not his own. He didn't interact with anyone outside their family. He didn't leave the house if he could help it. He was fading away and not in a good way.

Sometimes she thought she caught glimpses of happiness, but they were gone before they could settle over his face. It was painful to watch. It was horrible to feel.

Vanya needed to make it right. She wanted to make it right. She just wasn't sure how.

But she knew she needed to do something. She knew she needed to find a way to make it right.

'Do you want to come inside?' she asked without turning back to him knowing he heard her and stopped before he closed the door, both of them waiting in front of their opened door like awaiting what would happen next.

The chuckle that came before the question was a bit forced, 'Worried about blowing the house up?'

'Yeah,' she licked her lips. It wasn't a complete lie.

'You won't,' Five said with more confidence than she felt, like always, just like when they were kids. Always the one with the plan. Always able to know his limits and possibilities. Always reaching for the stars and not just for himself.

' _Maybe I'm not that good, Five._ '

_'You are, Vanya, trust me.'_

And she did. She always did. Only when her memories were gone, and he was a strange new face even if something told her inside she could trust him, she didn't. It was the only time, she didn't put all her trust in him.

They turned around at the same time. Suddenly the night was very loud and warm.

'You can control yourself. You trained harder than anyone. You got this, but if it happens again, I will wake you up. You don't have to worry,' he assured her with his eyes so bright and face so young she felt the urge to reach out and touch it. Always the first to think up a plan. Always the first to adapt to a situation. Always the first to look out for her.

Sometimes Vanya wished he wouldn't always do first and last for her. Sometimes she wished he would show more that he hated her. He was never the bigger person. Anyone who crossed him or upset him got what they deserve. Not her though. Never her though. No matter how much she hurt him, he seemed to want to always protect and help her.

She licked her lips, 'Alright. Thanks, Five.'

His squeeze on her shoulders reminded her of old times and surprised her, leaving her to wonder when did he walked closer to her.

* * *

He laid next to her on the bed because where else would he have laid? They knew each other too well to be shy or feel weird about it even if they should. He wasn't in the body of a child anymore and things between them were more complicated than they should between properly adopted siblings.

Five crawled into the bed next to her, their shoulders pressed together as they laid on their backs, 'It's alright, Vanya. Get some rest.'

She rolled to the side to face his profile wanting and yet dreading to ask.

_Do you ever hate me? Just a little bit?_

Vanya wanted to be free of the guilt that tore her apart, sure, but more than anything she wanted Five to be free of his, to feel normal, to be happy. He deserved it. He suffered enough.

* * *

He got drunk that one time.

His body sixteen? Seventeen? Who even knew with the years so messy in just a few months after they made it back.

He snatched her wrist and kissed her on her way up the stairs to the bed startling her enough to pull away and run to her room. He tasted like hard alcohol and a spark of something enthusiastic and young. Not like she would have expected an old grumpy man to taste at all. It freaked her out even if she reminded herself it was probably the intoxication doing the trick.

* * *

'Was it just the alcohol? That night?' Vanya asked into the dark awaiting his reply while looking at his profile knowing he knew what she meant.

He frowned at the ceiling not even looking at her. It was dark but she could picture the cold stare he was capable of directed at something other than her.

It almost made her look away, her heart beating a bit faster. He was rarely this upset with her. But before she could his look softened a bit, and he turned to glance at her for a second looking like the old man he claimed to be all exhausted and regretful about life, 'What do you think?'

It was almost as if he asked her with his eyes something else _._

_Didn't you know? Didn't you feel it?_

She did. She wasn't stupid. Five was subtle, a spy, a perfect liar, but she used to know him better than the back of her hand. She knew his secret looks and calculative touches.

_She knew._

Her heartbeat got louder as blood rushed into her ears, 'Is that…is that what you want?'

The confused look didn't suit him at all even if she found some pride in knowing she threw him off almost as much as she did when she scared him during their standoff. She wondered what he was thinking when she defied him like that. Was he terrified? Or something else? Something from the different spectrum of feeling thrilled?

He opened his mouth and closed it again. She didn't think it was possible for the great Number Five to ever be speechless.

She kissed him the second time he tried to speak pressing her lips against his in the quickest motion imaginable.

_Is this what you want?_

Is this what would make him happy and satisfy the guilt she felt inside for what she caused him?

The look on his face stunned her. She didn't think he could love her so much. She thought it was an old childhood crush that stuck with him or some hormonal teenage body reaction to her being the only other woman around.

He kissed her deeper pouring all he must have felt for her into the kiss. It felt beautiful, raw, and real. She could get lost in this easily if she let herself.

She could do this for him. She could give him this. She could improve her life and undo her guilt.

'Vanya,' he breathed her name like a prayer, and she kissed him again forgetting everything else but the taste of his kiss. It just wasn't youth there was also experience and something very dark and thrilling. It tasted deliciously enough that she could almost convince herself it wasn't just because she was a selfish person.

She was selfish. She knew she was. She only gave him all of this to save her own guilty soul and feel better about herself. He craved her. He cared for her. He loved her. So she would give herself to him in any way he wanted to just to make him happy and ease her guilt. She ruined his life if it would soften his traumas and the things she took from him, she would gladly offer herself as a sacrifice.

She would give him everything she could tell herself it was because of the guilt that tasted like those damn razor blades inside her throat.

However, what he did next surprised her.

He pushed her away growling his face twisted with anger, 'What are you doing?!'

She couldn't tell him. He wouldn't get it. He would think the worse of her if he already hadn't. She couldn't do that to him or herself. His hate was what she deserved but secretly hoped to never receive.

She sat up and onto his lap startling him, 'V-vanya…'

Her lips were demanding trying to get back to the feeling from before when she got lost in the kiss and forgot all about her guilt.

_Did he forget all about his pain when they kissed?_

She hoped he did.

His lips were complaint almost like it was him giving something to her and not the other way around. She should be the one to give this to him, to give him something in exchange for what she did. He liked her-he _loved_ her. She knew. She knew all the time. When he argued with her in the middle of the road. The look on his face. It was too much. It was too much for her then to see him looking at her like that.

He broke the kiss, 'What are you-'

'Isn't this what you want? I can make you feel better. _Please_ , Five let me make it up to you,' she whispered realizing too late it was the wrong thing to say as Five got her off him onto her back in a second.

He pushed her down against the bed spreading her legs apart looking at her as if he got possessed by his inner animal. Dark and haunting. Something twisted inside her.

His body is young. _Too young._

She tried to tell herself this whole at the same time while feeling her own body betraying her getting wet just by looking at him. He could ruin her. He could give her all he had, and she would take it.

_For him. Just to make him happy. To ease her guilt._

_All lies._

_She wanted him for herself._

_Selfish woman._

_Such a selfish woman._

Then Five grabbed her wrists and locked them in one hand pressing them to the bed above her while he let the other slide down undoing the buttons on her nightshirt. Slowly. So painfully slowly.

'Is this how much you want my forgiveness? That you will give yourself to me? Toss everything aside? Your morals? Your disgust with this body? Your beliefs? Your body?' he asked or more like spitted the questions, the words, at her leaving her to feel vulnerable but not for herself, for him. He was the one who revealed just how small and weak he was now.

She blinked startled that he knew everything and yet understanding why he looked so upset. Why it bothered him so much. He didn't hate her. No, no of course not, but he was scared. Scared that all of this, all she had offered wasn't what she really wanted to give him _freely_.

'But I love you,' she said before she could stop herself knowing it was true at that very moment. How could she not? She wanted to have sex with him after he barely got a legal body. He was her first crush-her first _love_. The person she missed and craved the most all those years he was gone, and who broke her heart and threw her into Leonard's arms because he once and for all showed her they fell apart and could never be put back to the people they were. That was why she jumped at the shot with Leonard, maybe even with Sissy.

His face softened. The firm hold much looser now.

'Don't lie to me,' he said with the calmest voice ever, yet his eyes…his eyes betrayed the storm inside him.

'I mean it. Five, I love you,' she said again louder, clearer, with more confidence she felt in years.

He let her go leaning away from her probably scared, 'Vanya, don't.'

He tried to leave, but she used her powers to throw him back against the bed and snatched his arm. He looked annoyed but didn't force her hand away so she took it as her right to continue, 'If I didn't I would run away from my guilt, from you. I would make sure to never see you again if all I wanted was salvation.'

She reached her free hand and touched his cheek, 'You know me. I'm still me.'

He frowned looking away, a reproach in behind his eyes, 'You weren't you in Dallas. You left me twice, remember?'

Vanya didn't let go even if his words pushed her to do so. She wasn't sure what to say or how to explain. It wasn't really her. She didn't know better. Her thoughts were a mess, and memories were gone. She tried to hold onto to the things she grew familiar with like Sissy and Harlan for her dear life. What else she was supposed to do in her situation?

'Five…,' she started unsure what to say next.

He let out a bitter chuckle crushing her heart, 'But I deserved it didn't I? I left you first also two times.'

He turned to her leaning against one of her hands in his cheek, 'Are we even now, dear Vanya? Are our slates clean now?'

She kissed his forehead trying to pour as much love for him as she was capable.

'Yes, let's start again,' she nodded as she leaned away looking into his eyes in the dark, 'Together.'

He looked at her unbuttoned shirt, 'But do you want to?'

'You? Yes. Always,' she said shaking her head as if in disbelief that he would think she didn't. That he would think she didn't really want him like that.

His smile wasn't perfect, but it was a start. She kissed him again this time on the lips, nice and soft as a first kiss should have been.

'Do you hate me?' she asked carefully, and he shook his head with such a certain look, she believed him. At that moment, she truly believed him when he said, 'Never.'

He touched her chin taking it between his index finger and thumb, 'You know that.'

She brushed his cheek feeling herself almost close to breaking down and believing everything he wanted to say, everything he could promise her, everything. With that look behind his green eyes so soft and loving just for her, how could she convince herself he hated her? How could she convinced herself it was all her fault and she never deserved forgiveness-

'Do you forgive me?' she asked into the dark hypnotized by that look.

His face leaned closer to hers their lips once again apart as Five could have said something like she didn't need his forgiveness or didn't do anything wrong. Instead, however, he recognized her desperation for closure in all of the madness and said, 'I forgive you, Vanya for everything. Can you forgive yourself?'

She rather kissed him again instead of an answer making herself and him get lost in the sensation for tonight. For tonight knowing he forgave her was enough. Tomorrow, she could start to work on forgiving herself.

For tonight whenever Five's lips kissed her and hands touched her, her guilt taste like nicely warm air of the upcoming spring. It tasted like a hope of a better tomorrow and future. Free of all of their guilt.

_For tonight it would be enough for them._

**Author's Note:**

> A.N: Hey, thank you so much for the constant support :) I'm really excited that people like my work and support my stories. So again, happy Fiveya week 2020, thank you for reading, and stay safe.


End file.
